back in the cubicle age, a common complaint my co-workers would have to endure me proclaiming every few days was that it's STAR WAR everything EVERYWHERE. STAR WAR movies and tv shows, STAR WAR shirts at target, STAR WAR dildos*, STAR WAR theme parks... when lord, when's it going to be STAR TREK's time??

it's STAR TREK's time.

i can't believe we have five STAR TREK shows running concurrently. i can't believe paramount+ figured out how to take our latinum every month of the year. i can't believe that as the world crumbles and we each die slowly, alone, and in pain, i will do so with unceasing visions and memories of the post-scarcity, infinite-diversity utopian future our species could never actually achieve warming my heart.

here are my thoughts on each of the STAR TREK series i'm watching and whether the characters contained therein are having enough sex.

*and just how is it that STAR WAR, the franchise with none sex, got sex toys before the notoriously and wildly horny STAR TREK?? i'm upset.

DISCOVERY

people fuck sometimes, but they could fuck more.

yes, they save the galaxy every year. yes, it's emotional. it's also amazing and it's the one TREK series blazing a path into the future, even if it's sometimes restricted by being so committed to the style of modern tv dramas. the show is gorgeous, the characters are a delight, and it's got... is this right? michelle yeoh, tig notaro, david cronenberg, and oded fehr in a tight uniform? wtf?? glorious.

PICARD

definitely not enough fucking.

okay, i imagine this is how those STAR WAR fans feel, right? like some people are getting paid too much money to do the same thing with their childhood action figures we would, and occasionally those people are getting paid too much money to do way dumber things with those toys than we would? even when PICARD is great (rare moments indeed), it still feels like nonsense fan fiction. will i be watching every frame of the TNG reunion next season? yes. will i cry when we see worf or geordi again? yes. will it still be nonsense fan fiction? yes.

LOWER DECKS

people fuck all the time! whee! still, more would be good.

LOWER DECKS on the other hand is canon as fuck and it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life. STAR TREK in the style of an adult swim show, but with all the optimism and aesthetics of '90s-era TREK? RICK & MORTY without the nihilism? put this in my veins. every single character on this show is my favorite character ever.

PRODIGY

ew, it would be weird if anyone on this show fucked. why would you bring that up? you weirdo.

how the hell did they get me to enjoy this children's show so much? i'll tell you how, by making it continue the story of

VOYAGER

WHY THE FUCK AREN'T JANEWAY AND CHAKOTAY FUCKING I AM FURIOUS

this is my first time seeing VOYAGER, and it is madness. sometimes it's so absurdly dumb. but it never stops being charming, or funny, and the cast never stops being perfect. even when robert beltran hates the script, he oozes charisma. as do tim russ and kate mulgrew. there's definitely a bit too much seven of nine in season four, but the janeway/seven dynamic is immediately the most electric thing that's ever happened on the series. i am simultaneously excited for what's to come and can't wait to be done watching this silly goddamn show.

STRANGE NEW WORLDS

only two episodes in and people have fucked. so far, so good.

we get a new little STAR TREK movie every week, and it's got so much style and swagger it immediately makes JJ's two STAR TREKs look dated. (BEYOND is still perfect, thanks mr. lin.) i can't believe how excited i am for every wednesday night/thursday morning. wait, that means the next one is just a few hours away!

DEEP SPACE NINE

even if we don't see it, everyone is fucking. and when they aren't fucking, everyone is horny. this is the STAR TREK future we deserve.

holy shit. i just got to the one-two season six punch of INQUISITION and IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT. two of the best episodes of STAR TREK ever, in a row. the way they dig into bashir's character in INQUISITION and put him through the wringer, attempt to make him question his entire existence, and the way they are unable to break him even once... it gives me goosebumps. as did the ending, when bashir realizes his future is much more grey than he ever anticipated, and that the line between good and evil isn't as clear as he thought. it's absurd that the introduction of section 31, which has been mined for so much material in modern trek, is literally just a sidenote in this episode that's entirely about testing one of DS9's many endlessly fascinating characters.

and speaking of the line beginning to blur, i need not say much about one of the most discussed episodes of television ever, but IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT still fucking slays. sisko taking the war into his own hands, choosing to be a villain for the greater good... i can't even understand how this show managed to achieve such powerful storytelling and character work, a level i still feel i've never seen matched all these years later. and i don't mean in a STAR TREK show -- i mean period. (or periodt, as the kids say.) DEEP SPACE NINE is simply one of the greatest television series of all time, it elevated the entire artform. oh, and the episode title is a reference to fucking BATMAN (1989).

i really don't want this rewatch of DS9 to end. i might have to start right back at the beginning again when it does. the man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed, after all.

see you next time on some kind of STAR TREK.

p.s. did you see the news? TREK is woke now. cool beans.

2022.05.19