the exact right fucking person, that's who. okay, now that we've covered all the good from the last two episodes of PICARD, let's get into the rest of it.

jk. kinda. um. maybe not jk.

PICARD

i mean, i admit, they had me tricked. after the first few episodes of this season, i really thought we were in for a tightly plotted, cinematic sci-fi tale with clever dialogue that would rival the best STAR TREK movies. it certainly started that way, but... by the end, no big shock, it devolved into incomprehensible nonsense.

in some ways the incomprehensible nonsense of PICARD season 3 actually has me nostalgic for the incomprehensible nonsense of PICAD seasons 1 and 2? did not see that coming.

i also admit that if you asked me at the beginning of the season if i wanted to see the TNG crew reuinite on the 1701-D bridge, i might have said yes. but the people that get paid to write our shows should do better than that. they're not supposed to go for the cheap thrill... they're supposed to make this show the best fucking show it can be.

without even realizing it, ira steven behr completely illuminates why DS9 will last forever and why PICARD will be forgotten in two months in this new interview with, i assume, two random people they picked up off the street. writing for "the fans" or what the audience wants will always fail, and always feel empty. miss you, ira.

the characters and cast come off completely unscathed of course. this was the coolest they've gotten to look and act in decades, and they're all as charming and captivating as ever. especially michael dorn as worf.

the exception being jack crusher, who was written as a little baby lamb with delusions of rogueishness who's never left his mother's side, and cast with a man that easily could be 41. i am so confused by some of the decisions made for a character we're supposed to want to see more of... especially the time we watched this grown-ass adult let his near-decrepit mommy and daddy hold him back from saving the lives of of the titan bridge crew.

as a lifelong movie score listener, the music of PICARD everyone's been raving about was cheap, overdone crap outside of a few moments of originality (episode 7 comes to mind). the reliance on and repetition of the same handful of old themes got old so fucking fast. i can't believe they made me get tired of the TNG/MOTION PICTURE theme, the theme to end all themes, one of my favorite themes in all movie score history. my fucking ringtone for the last 6 years! it took the two-part PICARD finale make me get tired of my ringtone??

i'm exaggerating, i switched to the DS9 ringtone ages ago. and no one calls me.

all the dialogue in the last two episodes was appalling, with perhaps the exception of, "i've come to believe the stars have always been in my favor." nice, i guess.

the borg... ugh, i don't want to get into it, enough tumblr trekkies have expressed how ridiculous this "twist" was in very funny ways. the one idea i liked was starfleet being assimilated in complete secrecy through the transporters. that would have been very fun on a better show.

the poker scene... sigh. i mean, did i hate it? i still have a heart and i love seeing my childhood heroes together, but... yes. the final scene of ALL GOOD THINGS was probably only 45 fucking seconds long and had immeasurable impact. we still remember the exact feeling we had when that episode ended and picard joined his crew as friends and family for the first time. the new version is a perfect metaphor for what this season of PICARD ended up being compared to TNG -- way more expensive, super shiny, and hollow. our new poker finale lasted ten times longer than the original and said exponentially less.

anyway. it seems i have a few gripes. but it was all silly fun, and even though i'm putting more thought into some of it than they did, i'd still recommend it to anyone who grew up with THE NEXT GENERATION. all the best moments were in the first 8 episodes. vadic remained a fantastic star trek movie villain till her untimely end -- and far more interesting than the 6th(?) frakking version of the borg queen, eyeroll emoji.

as mentioned above, the final worf/raffi moment -- and raffi being the only person we see worf accept a hug from after rejecting the entire crew... my heart. beautiful.

watching the 1701-D fly amidst all the cgi porn feels as absurd as seeing michael keaton's batman do cgi stunts in that stupid new DC trailer when we know he could only move about 15% of his body in that rubber costume... but it still had its fun moments. the D is simply the best STAR TREK ship design ever, i'm sorry. galaxy class forever.

do i love that it all ended with seven as a captain and raffi as her number one? absolutely. do i assume they'll keep fucking? 100%. do i care that they're on a new (kinda chonky) enterprise? uh, not really. do i want jack crusher there? hard pass. do i want to see...

LEGACY

oh fuuuuuck no.

what a fucking oxymoron of a title, by the way. LEGACY is the exact opposite of what STAR TREK is supposed to mean. STAR TREK is about charging forward, exploration, the new and exciting, and the word "legacy" puts it right in the title that they want to jizz all over themselves looking backwards, just like the last chunk of this PICARD season turned out to be.

it also sounds like a cheesy mobile video game. c'mon, matalas.

i find it a little depressing as fuck that all these "make STAR TREK great again" fans are getting the sanitized, white/cis/het, nostalgic STAR TREK they want. please, we did it for this season of PICARD and it was big and silly and dumb and aggresively fine. no need for more, we're good on this. back to progressive, forward facing, queer, and just outright fucking weird STAR TREK.

yes, i'm still dealing with my DISCOVERY cancellation feelings.

spreaking of, how many people celebrating this season of PICARD as the "best TREK ever" complained about a scared kelpian boy causing the burn, or emotions being the solution to communicating with species 10-C, or the control ai cgi porn battle in DISCOVERY? BECAUSE THIS SHIT WAS WAY DUMBER WTFFF

i wanted to cover DEEP SPACE NINE too, but we'll save that for the next some kind of STAR TREK and just get these PICARD feelings out of my system. i needed the purge, i feel cleansed now. maybe i'll even rewatch this nonsense someday.

but no fucking rush.

last note: i admit, it's still great that NEMESIS is no longer the last story of the TNG crew.

real last note: in retrospect, i'm glad they didn't involve any DEEP SPACE NINE characters in this nonsense. they deserve better.

though i suppose they also deserve money. what gives, PICARD? pay the fucking DS9 cast.

...i want a worf hug.

2023.04.23