i miss you, jordan.

you left the stage just before we would have turned 30, and today you would have turned 40. i'll be joining you in a few weeks -- in turning 40, not death, though i'm sure turning 40 symbolizes the death of something.

it definitely means i'm too old to die young now.

it's hard not to be selfish, man -- i wish you'd stuck around. i can't claim life would have gotten any easier, but i know it gets easier to be in our brains. i know we figure out who the fuck we are even if nothing else on the planet makes sense. i know that looking back, we both had an innate queerness inside of us and mine only blossomed in my thirties... we were always late to everything, eh? it's impossible not to imagine your queerness blossoming too, and it's painful to think that you missed that... and we missed sharing it together.

every day that passes it only gets easier to create and communicate... and i miss every single conversation we never got to have and weird project we never got to work on/argue about. and oh man, you would have seen me naked so much. yeah. sorry. my friends see me naked all the time now, it's a thing. 🤷🏾‍♂️

emoji are a thing now too.

and if i had time to explain brazlian butt lifts? you of all people would regret checking out when you did.

oh, i finally watched STAR TREK VOYAGER--

sorry, it's on theme with my blog to always bring up STAR TREK -- and speaking of, remember how we started blogging together way back in 2001?? on fucking blogger, a thing no one remembers?? i'm still keeping that blogliiife going 20 years later, it's too hard to keep adapting to the new social medias.

--and frak do i wish we could have continued the great TNG/VOY debate right up until the moment we both watched DEEP SPACE NINE and realized all other STAR TREK may as well be irrelevant in comparison. i had to take that journey all by myself, you bastard.

and while i'm mad about things, i can't believe you got to die young! i'm six weeks away from that being literally impossible!

i could go on forever. so much has happened, and there's a fucking shitload more to come. it all just keeps going and going, apparently. that's pretty much the only thing i can be sure of at 40... it all keeps going, and it sucks doing it without you.

2023.05.03